Am I Happy Now? Part One: Best Laid Plans
by RicksIlsa
Summary: Picks up where the Season 8 finale left off. Leonard and Penny are ready to begin the next chapter of their lives but must first help Sheldon begin his. Eventual Shenny. Warnings include: Infidelity (as in CHEATING), Depression, Alcoholism/Abuse, Nudity, Brief eating disorder. Will get darker until the final part. Happy-ISH ending planned. NOT A ROMANCE! NOT A HAPPY STORY.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is darker than anything I've written before, and I take a harder look at a few issues the show makes jokes out of; Sheldon's aversion/Amy's desire for sex, Penny's drinking, and Leonard's ever changing mind and heart. Pay attention to all warnings, flames regarding things I've warned about including pairings with be immediate deleted and ignored so let's not waste our time. Chapter specific warnings will be included at the end of the chapter for those who do not wished to be spoiled.

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The first wedding Penny ever attended was her cousin Maryann's when she was seven years old. She remembered The First Baptist Church being covered in lilac trimmings and lily blossoms. Penny herself had been allowed to wear a pretty new lavender dress that made her friend Lauren green with envy. Her parents were part of the wedding party and so Penny and her brother were told to sit quietly and behave. Her brother had a game-boy to hold his attention, but Penny was bored as she absently flipped through an old hymnal.

After what seemed like hours, but was probably only about twenty minutes, the ceremony finally started. Penny enjoyed watching the ladies in varying shades of purple taffeta as they were escorted down the aisle on the arms of handsome men dressed in gray tuxedos as the organ played. The tune changed to the bridal march and Penny stood and turned to face the back of the church along with the rest of the assembly as the blushing bride made her appearance on the arm of Penny's uncle.

To Penny's young eyes, her cousin was beautiful. The white satin dress fell in waves and folds around her form and the crown of the veil sparkled with diamond-like studs where it was woven into her expertly curled brown hair.

Penny sighed happily as she grinned at the passing young woman and rolled her eyes at her brother who was till entranced by his video game. Then Penny heard them.

Three women, known by the whole town as the Pinkerton Sisters, sat directly behind her. They were the oldest and most respected people in town, though Penny had heard her father complain about them on multiple occasions.

"Well, here comes the no good hussy who can't keep her legs crossed," a shaky old voice muttered loud enough for Penny to hear.

As Penny listened to their derisive commentary, the beautiful scene before her eyes melted into an awkward nightmare.

They had first berated Penny's young cousin, who had just turned eighteen, for having to marry so young. Penny leaned forward to look at the groom and was dismayed to see that while he was handsome, he was much older than Maryann, hair and beard already starting to gray. The look on his face was a mixture of nervousness and shame. Penny's mother had always said that people married when they were in love, but as she really looked at the bride and groom neither of them seemed to be very happy and they certainly didn't act like they were in love.

According to the Pinkerton Sisters, he had cheated on his wife of ten years and then left her and his children to marry Penny's cousin today. The sisters also seemed to obsess about the way the bride's dress was stretched tight around her middle. Overall Penny was left with the impression that if you were young and fat when you got married you would be ridiculed.

Over the next few weeks, Penny became obsessively worried that something like that might one day happen to her. Penny went from being the class flirt who loved a good doughnut to refusing to interact with boys and leaving her meals barely touched. When she passed out in gym class her teacher sent her to the nurse who made her drink some juice and asked point blank why she wasn't eating.

She told the nurse about the Pinkerton sisters talking bad about her cousin because she married while she was young and fat, and it made the nurse laugh.

"Oh sweetie, your cousin's not fat, she's pregnant. Her tummy is big because she's going to have a baby. Some old fashion people, like the Pinkerton sisters, think its bad to have a baby on the way before you get married. Not everybody thinks like that though. And anyway, not eating isn't going to make it not happen to you. So you eat up all your lunch today, you hear me?"

Penny had nodded, and ended up convincing her mother to give her the sex talk when she got home that night. Armed with knowledge, Penny was able to relax and be her old self again. Still, her first wedding had made quite the impression.

Now as she looked around the surprisingly tasteful chapel in Vegas, Penny wondered what the Pinkerton Sister's would have to say about her wedding.

Penny wanted to marry Leonard, she really did. She loved him, but was upset about his confession on the drive out there. Not so much that he had made-out with the woman on the boat, but that he felt the need to tell her about it the same night he expected her to say, "I do." It was like he was saying that he messed up but she wasn't allowed to be mad at him about it. After him accusing her of ruining Valentine's Day, she would not put it past him to say she was ruining their wedding night as well. And so, she held her tongue.

While Leonard paid and arranged things, Penny excused herself to the restroom. She looked at herself critically in the mirror under florescent lights. The short hair cut made her look older and more responsible than she felt, which was why she had cut it in the first place. Something inside her had died when she finally shut the door on her life long dream to be an actress. She did it for Leonard. New grown-up hair, new grown-up job... Penny, the girl who swore she would never change for anyone, had become someone different for her future husband.

Not that she didn't like the person she had become. Everyone was so proud of her, from her friends to her family. They were all so proud she had finally grown up. They believed that this was the best thing that could happen for her. If so many people that knew and loved her believed that she was doing the right thing then it had to be true, right?

Penny sighed and pulled a few small bottles of Smirnoff out of her purse. She downed them quickly and then rinsed her mouth out so that Leonard wouldn't taste it on her. Probably not a good sign that she was starting off her marriage with a deception however slight, but she was afraid either he or she wouldn't go through with it. And she was so ready for it to be over and done with. She was sick of this unfulfilled promise hanging over her head. She wanted to either get married or break-up right now. And she was afraid of losing too many people out of her life that she loved if they broke up.

She grinned as the warmth from the alcohol hit her and the tension in her shoulders began to ebb away. She may not have the best reason to get married, but it was still better than Maryann's.

* * *

The ride home the next morning had been filled with Leonard grinning uncontrollably and saying things like, "Hello, Mrs. Hofstadter!"... and "I can't believe we're finally married!" Penny mostly kept a hand over her eyes in an attempt to ease her pounding head. There had been more drinking after the "I Do's" and she had forgotten to take some aspirin before bed.

Luckily, Leonard didn't seem to mind as he prattled on and on about the different neighborhoods he wanted to start house hunting in and why. Half-way home Penny pretended to fall asleep.

She 'woke-up' as they pulled into the parking lot of their apartment building. As they entered the building Leonard, smiling, commented on how much he had enjoyed living here and would miss it. By the time they reached their landing, he was short of breath saying how he couldn't wait to live somewhere not accessed by five flights of stairs.

"You're just tired from the late night and all that driving," Penny said with a yawn. Leonard frowned at her. "Yeah, I didn't have a good long nap like you did," he grumbled and unlocked his apartment door.

They walked into the apartment and stopped short at the sight in front of them. Sheldon had built another blanket fort like he had with Amy a few months ago. The whole place was quiet except for the soft sound of muffled crying.

"Sheldon? Sweetie, are you okay?" Penny asked worriedly as Leonard rolled his eyes and huffed.

There was no response from the 'fort', but the volume of sobbing increased slightly. Penny ignored Leonard, and shifted through the hanging sheets as she looked for an opening. After a few minutes of futile searching, she finally gave up and just tugged really hard on the sheet in her hand. The whole thing fell down and she glared at Leonard and motioned for him to help her.

It took a few minutes but they were finally able to uncover their sobbing friend. Sheldon was wearing the same clothes he had on when they had left for Vegas the night before. Penny pulled him to her in a hug and felt her heart lurch when his arms came up to hug her back without being prompted. He must really be upset to not only accept a hug from her, but to cling the way he was.

"Sheldon, please tell us what happened," Leonard asked in a gentle voice as he knelt next to them.

"A-amy broke up with m-me," he wailed and buried his face in Penny's shirt. She and Leonard winced at each other and Penny tightened her hold on Sheldon.

"It's okay, Sheldon. I know it hurts right now, but you're not alone. I promise it will be okay," she murmured, running a hand through his hair. He shook his head, but was unable to speak as he cried harder and continued clinging to her.

"Sheldon, is this an engagement ring?" Leonard asked, holding up the open ring box he had accidentally knelt on.

Sheldon nodded and finally pulled back from Penny's embrace. He took a couple of deep breaths and then looked up at them sniffling. "I wanted to take her to dinner so I could propose. I even created 'The Engagement Contract', but before I could invite her to dinner she said she needed to take some time away from m-me..." he got through the whole explanation before dissolving into tears again.

* * *

Almost an hour later they were tucking him into bed with warm milk. Penny started to sing 'Soft Kitty', but he stopped her.

"Soft Kitty is for when your sick, I'm not sick," he insisted.

Penny smiled at him affectionately.

"A broken heart is a kind of sickness," Leonard pointed out.

Sheldon thought about that for a moment and then nodded.

After singing the song several times, Sheldon had wanted Leonard to hear him and Penny sing it as a round, the newly weds bid their friend goodnight and headed to Leonard's room.

"I'm so exhausted I can't even see straight with my glasses," he complained handing Penny one of his clean t-shirts and boxers to sleep in. She put them on as he got ready for bed and then frowned when he collapsed face first onto a pillow.

"So, second night as husband and wife and we're not gonna have sex?" She asked, even though she really wasn't in the mood.

He let out an exaggerated sigh and flopped over onto his back, spread eagle.

"Do whatever you want, just don't wake me," he teased, eyes falling shut.

Penny giggled and rolled her eyes. Then she sighed and climbed into bed.

"Leonard?"

"Hmm?"

"I know you wanted to announce our marriage to everyone tomorrow night at dinner, but I think we should wait a week or so," Penny said, carefully watching his face.

He sighed and opened his eyes, "You think so?"

"We need to give Sheldon and Amy a little while to figure out where they stand before doing anything that might rub our happiness in their faces," she pointed out, pleading silently for him to understand.

He sat up and scooted back to lean against the headboard.

"But what if they can't fix things?" He asked.

Penny frowned.

"They will! I'm going to call Amy over first thing in the morning. She and Sheldon are going to talk it out if I have to stand there and make them," she vowed, determined.

Leonard tilted his head and pursed his lips.

"Your going to tell her about the engagement ring so she'll change her mind," he accused.

"Of course I am! It's not fair! Amy has been so patient with him, she needs to know that he's finally ready," Penny insisted.

"Is he?" Leonard countered. "Or is this just one more thing he's doing to keep her around as long as possible? Do you really want Amy to stay with Sheldon just because of the ring? Is it fair to her?" He pressed.

Penny glared at him.

"Leonard, you saw Sheldon tonight. Do you honestly think that I am going to be okay with us leaving him to start a life on our own while he is going through this?"

Leonard stared at her in horror.

"You're right! You need to call Amy right now and make her see sense," he said, reaching over her to grab her purse and retrieve her cell phone.

Penny shook her head but accepted the proffered phone. Amy agreed to meet Penny for breakfast the next morning.

When the call was done Penny allowed Leonard to spoon up against her back.

"Thank you, Leonard. I know I can get Amy to see sense, I just need some time," she whispered placing a hand on the arm he had wrapped around her waist.

Her only response was a soft snore.

* * *

*Warnings: Brief eating disorder, closeted drinking, and excessive drinking

This fic will consist of three parts. Part one is four or five chapters long and has already been written (but still being edited). I need to know that this fic is liked for me to continue as I've already spent so much time working on the first part. I will update every Sunday evening until Part One is completely posted and will at that time give you the time table for Part Two.

Thanks for reading!

-Ilsa


	2. Chapter 2

Another Updated A/N: THIS IS A SHENNY STORY, AS IN PENNY & SHELDON END UP TOGETHER! The Shamy is gone by then end of part one and the Lenny is gone by the end of part two. There is also CHEATING. As in being unfaithful to one you have committed to. If any of this upsets or triggers you go read something else, God knows there are plenty of other fics out there that are not full of badness like this one is.

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Update A/N: Decided to come back and edit in one more note. I need to reiterate that this is not a nice, happy story. It's also not a romance. Bad things happen. Also, this entire story is told from Penny's POV. The thoughts and motivations of every single other character are what Penny perceives and are not necessarily correct. Please, if you start reading something that makes you uncomfortable or triggers you stop reading. Go read something happy.

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A/N: I'm posting a day early, hope no one minds. ;)

Thanks to the incredibly awesome Delucababe for the beta and support! She is helping to make the writing process fun again for me. :D

See end notes for chapter warnings.

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Chapter 2

"Amy!" Penny waved at her friend when she entered the cafe the next morning.

The brunette gave her a shaky smile as Penny sat across from her at the small table. After ordering a coffee and a bear-claw, Penny took a moment to study the brain scientist. Amy looked paler than usual and had purple circles under her eyes that almost looked like bruises. Her shoulders were hunched, like she was trying to make herself as small as possible, and she kept giving Penny wary looks as if she expected her to start yelling at any moment.

Penny sighed and forced herself to smile. "You look miserable, Amy."

The brunette shrugged and lowered her eyes to the table.

"Sheldon is just as miserable," Penny offered, her words causing Amy to meet her eyes again.

"He is?" she asked, hopefully. Penny nodded raising her eyebrows at the relief on her friend's face.

"Good. This was a test, a hard one, but he appears to be passing," Amy confessed. Penny crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes.

"A test? Amy, what kind of game are you playing here?" she demanded, as a fierce need to protect Sheldon suddenly rose up in her.

Amy swallowed at Penny's anger, but then hung her head and explained.

"It's been years, Penny, years! I've been so patient with him, but I'm not getting any younger and I'm just not sure how much longer I can wait on him to be ready!"

"Well, your handling it wrong, Amy," Penny remarked flatly.

Amy blinked and looked up at her in confusion.

"This isn't exactly a new problem," Penny continued. "Despite your pushing and hoping, you are always reassuring him that you're fine with waiting. What happened that you suddenly aren't fine with it anymore?" Penny demanded.

"I've never been 'fine' with it. I just didn't see where I had a choice. I love Sheldon and I know he loves me, but I need more and I'm really starting to think I'm never going to get it from him," she insisted passionately.

"So, you love him. Just not enough to stay with him if he won't sleep with you?" Penny accused.

Amy looked down with a sigh and sat quietly for a moment. Then she looked back up at Penny, her eyes filled with steely determination.

"Don't do this, Penny. Don't try and make me feel bad for wanting something from my boyfriend that every single one of my friends get from theirs."

"Amy..."

"No. I've had five years to think about this and I've decided that I'm done. I don't care if it sounds crass, but sex is the deal breaker. If he doesn't want to do it, then that's it. What we have isn't working for me, and I'm tired of pretending that it is. I'm doing us both a disservice. He needs to give me what I need or let me go."

Penny quietly contemplated Amy's words. She really wanted to say something in Sheldon's defense. Amy was a friend, but Sheldon was... well, he was like family. If it came down to it, she would always side with Sheldon over Amy. However, Amy's words were true. If she really was only pretending she was okay with not having sex just so Sheldon wouldn't break up with her, then that was a real problem. Penny hadn't lied the night before when she told Leonard that she wouldn't feel right about starting a new life without knowing that Sheldon would be taken care of. This was a huge mess, and Penny decided that Amy was probably right.

"Okay. I agree with you. Now it's time you told him," Penny instructed.

"What? I c-can't just..." Amy trailed off, looking scared again.

Penny leaned forward and grabbed Amy's hand. "Sheldon needs to hear what you just told me. He needs to know that you are unhappy and what to do about it. Taking a 'break' or even just walking away is only going to end up doing more damage."

"I don't want to hurt him," Amy protested.

"You already have," Penny whispered softly. "The best thing you can do right now is tell him the truth. Tell him what you need and let him decide if he loves you enough to give it to you."

"And if he doesn't love me enough?" Amy asked, her voice shaky with uncertainty.

"Then he'll have to let you go."

* * *

"Shh!" Penny hissed at Leonard as he lost his balance and nearly fell. She caught him by his sleeve and pulled him back behind the wall hoping Sheldon and Amy hadn't noticed. The odd couple had requested privacy for their talk, but Penny needed to hear so she could fix it when one of them screwed it up as they inevitably would. That is why she and Leonard were hiding behind the corner doing their best to listen to the quiet conversation that was taking place on the couch.

"I was going to ask you to marry me," Sheldon was explaining as he held up the engagement ring for Amy's approval.

The brunette closed her eyes and took a shaky breath. "Oh, Sheldon. I love you and nothing would make me happier than becoming your wife. But, I am a woman with needs and you have not even tried to help me out."

Sheldon responded too softly for Penny to hear, but she saw Amy's face take on a considering expression as she pondered his words.

"Are you sure, Sheldon? I don't want to force you into anything, but I just can't continue on like we have been anymore," Amy declared sadly.

Sheldon said something else and then leaned forward to kiss her. The kiss lasted a long time and Penny had to stifle a giggle when Leonard whispered, "Ew, they're not going to do it right now are they?"

Sheldon finally leaned back and Amy nodded at him.

"Okay, I'll see you at my place on Friday. Seven sharp," Amy confirmed.

She placed a chaste kiss on his lips, stood up, and gave him one last slight smile before exiting the apartment. Sheldon stared at the closed door for a moment before putting his head in his hands.

Penny immediately went to sit beside him.

"Sweetie? Are you okay?" she asked, placing a hand on his shoulder. He lifted his head and looked at her through tear-filled eyes.

"Amy said she won't agree to marry me until I sleep with her," he confessed looking scared.

"Are you going to do it?" Leonard asked, taking his usual seat.

Sheldon sighed and then nodded. He wiped his eyes and jumped to his feet.

"Yes, but first I have research to do," he said, going to his desk and powering up his laptop.

Penny and Leonard exchanged a glance.

"What kind of research?"

"How to have sex."

* * *

The next night found Penny alone and lonely in her apartment. There were several half-empty boxes scattered around from her earlier half-assed attempt at packing some things up. Leonard was with Raj at some science thing and Howard and Bernadette were out to dinner with Howard's brother. Penny had thought about calling Amy, but decided she needed to wait on things to play out between her and Sheldon.

She had invited Sheldon to come hang out, but he had insisted he continue his 'research' undisturbed. They had discovered the night before that Sheldon had a visceral reaction to watching porn that included emptying the contents of his stomach into the nearest trashcan. So he had decided to stick to text only, no more videos or pictures. It was really distressing to watch her friend go through this.

As she pulled the vodka down from atop her refrigerator she thought of what she would do in Amy's shoes. If Leonard suddenly refused to have sex with her anymore, would she leave him? Honestly? She was sure she'd try to help him get to the root of the problem before just walking away, but then that was still different from Amy and Sheldon's situation.

Penny had always believed sex and love went hand in hand since the time she knew what sex was. And she knew without a doubt you could have sex without love. But love, romantic love, without sex? It wasn't something that had ever occurred to her until Amy and Sheldon had started dating. Though Amy was obviously miserable with the set-up, Sheldon was oddly satisfied. Penny had always written it off as just another part of Sheldon's whack a doodle personality but, despite his oddness, he was a real person. He just didn't have a sex drive.

She turned and grabbed a glass from the cabinet when Sheldon's knocks started. She grinned as she listened to them, glad for the prospect of some company. Penny would never admit it to anyone, but when she drank alone, her thoughts tended to get a little dark.

"Come in, Sheldon," she called when he had finished his knocking.

He hesitantly came in and shut the door behind him, leaning against it.

"Hey Sheldon, I... What's wrong? Did something happen?" her greeting stalled as she realized he was shaking.

He shook his head and glared down at his trembling hands before hiding them behind his back.

"N-no. I'm well. I just came to ask you for a favor. And, just so you know, it is a tier one friendship request so you can't say no."

Penny tilted her head and raised an eyebrow at him in question, though she had a pretty good idea of what he wanted. He took a breath and stepped away from the door. Once he had stopped shaking, he lifted his head to make eye contact with her.

"I want you to have coitus with me," he said, firmly resolved.

"Oh. I thought you were going to ask me to teach you how to have sex," she returned, mildly. Sheldon always did seem to come up with pretty extreme ideas to solve his problems so Penny wasn't that surprised by the request.

Sheldon walked toward her and perched on a bar stool while Penny grabbed a second glass from the cabinet.

"No, I know how to have sex, I've read all about it. What I really want is a trial run before tomorrow night. Like a dress rehearsal," he explained.

"A 'dress rehearsal'?" she asked repeated, pouring diet coke and vodka into both glasses.

"Yes, I... What are you doing? I don't drink," he protested when she slid one of the glasses to him.

"Sheldon, you're gripping the counter so hard your fingers have turned white. I know you, Sweetie. There's no way you are going to get through the conversation we are about to have until you relax," she said, sipping her drink and encouraging him to do the same.

He released the counter and shook his hands out. Then he looked down at the drink a moment before shrugging and taking a sip.

"Okay, can we have coitus now?"

Penny snorted and shook her head.

"Let's just talk," she countered and motioned for him to follow her to the couch. They sat and drank quietly for a few minutes.

Penny asked him about work and a few TV shows, two topics that could keep him going for hours. During this time she kept refilling their drinks. She waited until she had achieved that pleasant, warm floaty feeling, and he had begun to slightly slur his words, before steering the conversation back to sex.

"Sheldon, I don't think you and I having sex is the answer," she blurted out.

He frowned, stopping mid-sentence.

"Then what is the answer? I read all about techniques to get through it as quickly and efficiently as possible, but what if I got something wrong? At least if I mess up on you I know you won't just up and walk out of my life," he pointed out logically.

"Oh, Sweetie! Of course I wouldn't," she agreed leaning toward him flirtatiously and then suddenly pulling herself back. Wait, what was she doing?

She gulped from her drink and giggled as her vision began to swim a bit.

"Okay, I have a compromise," Sheldon offered, setting his drink on the coffee table and then turning to look at her.

She looked back at him expectantly, an eyebrow quirking in intrigue.

"We won't have intercourse. Just let me practice some of the techniques I've learned on you. Let me see if I can bring you to orgasm."

Penny's brain felt fuzzy and her whole body seemed to flush with heat at his 'compromise' idea.

She didn't remember actually agreeing to this idea, but suddenly found herself in the bathroom with the shower running. Sheldon adjusted it to the correct temperature and then turned and started unbuttoning her shirt.

"Sheldon, I don't think..." she began, desperately trying to think through why this was such a bad idea. Her body obviously did not agree with her.

His hands froze on the last button and she notice his pupils were slightly dilated when he looked at her. She wanted to say it was lust, but it was probably more due to the vodka than anything else.

"Should I stop?" he asked, swaying slightly on his feet.

Yes, he should stop. This was wrong. This was cheating... Penny knew in that moment she was not quite drunk enough to blame it all on the alcohol. Why was she doing this? Other than the fact that alcohol made her horny?

Part of her wanted to get back at Leonard for his wedding night confession, another part wanted to punish Amy for doing this to Sheldon to begin with, but mostly her body burned at the thought of having the diligent and thorough Dr. Cooper focused on getting her off. He didn't seem to be hard, but he didn't look scared anymore. In fact, he looked determined and her floaty feeling increased and she realized it had nothing to do with the alcohol. And right there was the best reason of all: her friend, who had been struggling with this problem for days, no longer looked so scared and lost. He had a plan and she was the only one that could, or would, help him.

"No Sheldon. I don't want you to stop. Let's do this," she said, forcing her voice to be strong as she allowed the shirt to fall the floor and reached back to unhook her bra.

* * *

A/N: Chapter Warnings: Drinking too much, Drinking to cope, and Cheating.

Next chapter will earn the M rating and will be posted by next Sunday at the latest. Thanks for reading.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Here is the next chapter. It describes in detail what exactly Penny and Sheldon do. I'm told it's not explicit, but if you are sensitive to that kind of thing you might want to steer clear. If you didn't like the last chapter, this chapter does not redeem itself. There is one more chapter in this part and then we move on to part two. Reminder that this is not a happy story and the 'happyish ending' I've promised does not come until the end of part 3. Also, Penny/Sheldon are endgame.

As always, many thanks and praises to my lovely beta delucababe!

*Chapter warnings are listed in the end

* * *

Chapter 3

From chapter 2: _"No Sheldon. I don't want you to stop. Let's do this," she said, forcing her voice to be strong as she allowed the shirt to fall the floor and reached back to unhook her bra._

"No, leave it on. I need to undress you, if you could just stand there for a minute?"

She dropped her arms to her sides and nodded at him. He nodded back and dropped his hands to the button on her jeans. Slowly, he removed her clothes, piece by piece, sometimes allowing the back of his hand to graze her skin as he did so. His blue eyes kept flying back to her face with every gentle touch he allowed. At first she thought he wanted to make sure she was still consenting, but then realized this stripping was most likely just one of his techniques he was trying out. After removing her bra, his fingers brushed against the curve of her breast and she involuntarily shuddered, not quite believing this was Sheldon standing in front of her, causing a ripple of anticipation to wave through her.

When she was completely naked **,** he circled her, studying her form intently but not touching.

Penny cleared her throat and gave him what she hoped was a sexy smile. "You'll need to kiss her," she stated, staring at his lips.

"I know," he murmured and Penny leaned forward.

Sheldon immediately took a step back and shook his head. "That's okay, Penny. I already know how to kiss."

She felt like someone had just dumped a bucket of cold water over her.

"W-well, for most women, kissing makes them orgasm faster... it does for me anyway," she informed him and crossed her arms across her breasts to hide them from his view. It didn't matter, he wasn't really looking at her anyway.

Sheldon walked over to the sink and washed his hands as he considered her statement.

"Okay, Penny, get in the shower and wash thoroughly. Especially the parts your bathing suit covers," he instructed and pulled out her toothbrush and toothpaste to place them on the counter beside the sink.

Penny was glad to step under the warm water and pull the flimsy shower curtain to act as a barrier between her and her odd friend. The curtain was nearly transparent but, again, Sheldon didn't seem interested in looking at her at the moment. She felt slightly insulted and very confused as she tried to get her vodka-addled brain to work correctly. She watched as Sheldon sat on the lid of the closed toilet and stared blankly at a spot on the wall while he waited. He looked completely unaffected and for some reason that pissed her off.

She frowned down at the drain beneath her feet and then smirked as she got an idea. Sheldon was so determined to keep the whole experience 'clinical', she would see if she couldn't add a little seduction to it...

"Do I need to wash my hair?" she asked, pulling back the curtain to meet his eyes.

Sheldon tilted his head as he thought about it. "No, that's not necessary. There are no erogenous zones in your hair and I don't plan to do a scalp massage as it would most likely just prolong things."

She frowned when he turned to look blankly at the wall again. Okay, she needed to step it up a little.

"Sheldon? I think I need some help," she cooed, batting her eyes **.**

He looked at her and frowned. "You need help taking a shower?" he asked in bewilderment.

Penny nodded pitifully, catching her bottom lip between her teeth seductively **.**

"I find that hard to believe," he said, skeptically.

She sighed mournfully and hid a grin as she heard him get up and walk over to her.

"What do you need assistance with?" he asked, genuinely.

"Well, it's just that none of the guys I've been with cared about how clean I was, but I know that you do. So, maybe you could just watch and make sure I don't miss anything?" she reasoned.

He nodded, "Good idea."

Sheldon pulled the shower curtain back making sure the floor towels covered enough area to keep the tile from getting flooded.

Penny watched him watching her and though she wasn't sure if it was doing anything for him, she was getting more turned on than she had in a very long time. His gaze felt hot on her skin as he followed the movement of the sudsy loofah in her hands.

Suddenly she stopped and caught his gaze with her own. "Can I give you a couple of pointers?" she asked.

He raised an eyebrow.

"Come on, Sheldon. Even you have to admit when it comes to this kind of thing, I am the expert."

At his sharp nod, she grinned. "Just watch," she breathed out.

She carefully watched his face as she cupped a breast in her bare hand. She ran her fingers over her flesh, soaping herself as she went. As rolled her nipple between her index and middle finger, she watched him through half-closed eyelids. He was observing her intently, probably cataloging every moment. She let out a breathy sigh as she pinched the now swollen flesh. Sheldon made a soft sound and he licked his lips. His reaction made her groan.

"Good. I know you are trying to keep this clinical, but part of the appeal for me is seeing the affect I have on my partner. I like knowing he is enjoying it as well," she smiled.

Sheldon nodded and adjusted the waistband of his pants.

Penny quickly moved the loofah between her legs, ready to get this part over with so he would touch her again... for real this time.

When he declared she was clean enough, she shut off the water and stepped out. She reached for the towel he was holding but he pulled it back. He wanted to dry her off.

It started out clinical again, as he seemed to be more focused on removing the moisture from her skin, but then appeared to remember what he was trying to accomplish and began allowing his hands to brush against her bare skin. He avoided her breasts and between her legs, but softly brushed his fingers along her collar bone, arms, and sides. The muscles in her stomach jumped and she let out a breathy gasp when she felt his warm fingers caress just below her belly button. She vaguely wondered how much of her reaction was due to the alcohol in her system or if it was because it was Sheldon who was making her feel like this.

His pupils dilated further as he seemed to mentally catalog each reaction. He finished drying her off and she quickly brushed her teeth before following him to the bedroom where he gestured for her to lie on the bed.

"Sheldon, Amy is going to expect you to kiss her while you're doing all this," Penny pointed out.

"Oh. That's true," he said and, with no warning, his hands fell to her naked waist and he hauled her up against him as he claimed her mouth with his.

Penny was not prepared for Sheldon to be so good at kissing. Obviously he and Amy had practiced quite a bit.

Then his tongue slipped into her mouth and Penny's brain shut off. Her hands had minds of their own as they reached for him and started tugging at his clothes. For a moment he seemed content to let her, but then he suddenly stopped and stepped away, breathing hard.

"No, Penny. You aren't supposed to touch me, remember?" he cautioned, but he looked confused.

At first Penny was afraid she had done something to scare him, but soon realized that he was hard and seemed to be almost as affected as she was.

"S-sorry. If it helps, you are doing very well," she praised.

Sheldon nodded and swallowed.

"Okay, lie down," he instructed and she shakily obeyed.

He turned clinical again, as he returned his hands to her body. His fingers grazed against the sensitive flesh of her inner thighs, daring to touch her more intimately, but he remained too gentle and moved on too quickly.

When he moved his hands to cover her breasts, Penny placed her hands on top of his, pressing them more firmly against her skin and guiding the pads of his fingers to her nipples.

"Slower, Sheldon. Slower will get me there faster," she instructed and tilted her head up to indicate that he should kiss her again.

This time when their lips met, Penny forced herself to grip the bedding and lost herself to the sensations. It stunned her again to think Sheldon was an impressive kisser, one of those few who really knew how to use his lips and cause ripples of excitement to course through a girl. She trembled as her imagination exploded with images of what those lips could to a more intimate area. Sheldon had her writhing and moaning into his mouth within seconds and if Penny hadn't have been so far gone she might have registered he was moaning as well.

Her breath hitched and she closed her eyes when Sheldon's hand started to roam lower on her body again. At the first touch of his fingers on her center, she sighed. He was gentle and unsure as he ghosted his fingers against her and she moved her hips to help him.

Opening her eyes, she looked down to see him intently watching his fingers probe at her private flesh, his forehead creased slightly in concentration. She moved her hand to rest on top of his and guided his digits to where she needed them.

She continued to rock her hips against their joined hands, moaning sensually when a long finger finally entered her.

"More," she whispered hotly and Sheldon was quick to oblige. When his thumb brushed against her bundle of nerves, she cried out. "Shit!"

She removed her hand from his, cupping his chin and pulling him to her for a searing kiss.

Her orgasm seemed to sneak up out of nowhere and she cried out in pleasure, nearly coming up off of the bed as his fingers continued to stroke her through it. Finally, she grabbed his hands and pulled them away, unable to bear any more stimulation

Penny fell back on the bed, boneless and pleasantly numb as she fought to catch her breath. Sheldon sat down heavily beside her, breathing hard as well. After a few minutes she looked over and noticed the rather large bulge in his pants.

"Sheldon? Do you want me to..." she trailed off and gestured to it.

He shook his head.

"No. I-I think that if I can do this with Amy, she should be satisfied and I won't have to worry about doing anything else," he said, though he didn't sound very sure of himself.

Penny shrugged and closed her eyes. Between the alcohol and the orgasm she was exhausted. She felt him climb out of bed and head for her bathroom, presumably to wash her off his hands.

The thought had her tearing up. Suddenly, the guilt and wrongness of her actions hit her full force and she felt cheap and dirty. She wiped her face with the back of her hand and pushed herself out bed. Stumbling, she rushed over to her dresser **,** blindly pulling out clothing as she couldn't handle the thought of still being naked when Sheldon came back. Once dressed, she climbed back into bed.

Though the sweatshirt and sweatpants she pulled on covered her sufficiently, she still pulled the blanket tightly around her and wished she could re-do the whole night.

Sheldon emerged from the bathroom a moment later and stopped to stare at her, as if he sensed that something was wrong. Penny was surprised to feel his arms wrap tightly around her in a real hug that tamped down the rising panic and left her feeling drained.

"Thank you for helping me, Penny. I admit, I didn't realize the impact this would have on both of us emotionally. I'm sorry if you feel uncomfortable but I'm very grateful for your help."

When he pulled back silent tears were streaming down Penny's face, but she gave him a small smile.

"It's okay, Sheldon. I'm glad I could help you," she managed to say after a moment.

He nodded enthusiastically.

"Yes, you really did. I knew coming to you was the right thing to do. After all, you are my best friend," he confessed.

Penny blinked and looked at him surprised.

"I thought Leonard was your best friend."

"Not anymore."

* * *

Penny woke up the next morning feeling awful. Her head was throbbing and her vision swam every time she tried to open her eyes.

The events from the previous night erupted behind her closed lids and her hand lifted to her head as if the act alone could banish the images.

 _Slut, whore, cheater, hussy..._ The words floated through her mind in the voices of the Pinkerton sisters and her face burned in shame. How could she have done that? What was wrong with her? She felt sick and tried to sit up, thinking she would need to sprint to the bathroom to make it in time, when she suddenly realized there was a warm arm slung over her waist. She turned her head to see Leonard, her _husband_ , asleep next to her.

She let out a choked sob and covered her mouth with her hand. The sound woke Leonard, who blinked up at her sleepily before he frowned and pulled her toward him. His arms wrapped tightly around her back and Penny was unable to stop herself from burying her face in his chest and letting the sobs come. She cried for a long time while Leonard gently stroked her back and her hair. He peppered kisses on her forehead and whispered promises that everything was going to be okay.

For a moment, she believed him. And then she shifted and felt his erection on her thigh. The thought of him touching her after what had happened last night had her pulling away from him so violently she fell out of the bed and onto the floor, hard.

Unable to get to her feet she pushed herself backwards until her back hit the wall. She tried to take a breath, but was suddenly unable to get air into her lungs. If felt like something was pressing on her chest and she could hear this odd, muffled gasping noise. She was horrified a moment later when she realized it was coming from her.

"Penny! Penny, look at me! Focus, breathe! You are okay," Leonard was practically shouting before Penny was able to understand him.

She focused on his eyes squinting at her since he had not yet put on his glasses. It took a tremendous amount of strength but she was finally able to push herself out of the cloud of panic and take a breath. The air filled her lungs and she sat still for a moment blinking at the little sparks that danced at the edge of her vision.

"S-sorry," she whispered when she could breathe normally again.

Leonard didn't say anything, just continued to rub her shoulder with one hand, the other hovering as if afraid to touch her too much.

"What was that, Penny?" he asked, concerned.

She shook her head. "Just a bad dream," she said and got to her feet.

He stood up as well and turned to get his glasses from the bedside table.

"A dream caused all of that?" he questioned suspiciously.

"Yes, well, no. I don't know. The dream made me cry and then when I fell out of bed, I got winded and panicked. That's all," Penny lied as she stretched and hoped he didn't notice the trembling in her hands.

He nodded slowly, obviously not convinced but didn't press her. He ran a hand through his sleep tousled hair.

"I'm sorry if my being here startled you. I got home so late last night and when you weren't in my bed I realized you must have fallen asleep over here. You were out cold, so I decided to crawl in with you. I mean, we're married now so..." he rambled a bit then trailed off as if afraid she would be upset with him.

Penny was able to muster up a real smile for him. "It's okay, Leonard. I drank too much last night and passed out. You know, my normal bedtime routine," she joked flippantly and he smiled back at her.

He leaned forward to kiss her, and it was all Penny could do not to push him away again. She twisted out of his arms as soon as she was able.

"I need a shower," she called over her shoulder in explanation as she headed into the bathroom and shut the door firmly behind her.

She sagged back against the closed door and shut her eyes. She could do this. She just needed to keep taking deep breaths and push last night out of her mind. When she felt steadier, she opened her eyes and looked at her shower, still a little wet from the previous night's use.

She barely made it to the toilet.

Once her stomach was completely empty, she lay down and pressed her hot cheek against the cold linoleum. Her last thought before she drifted off into darkness was, "I really need a drink."

* * *

A/N: Chapter Warnings: Warnings: Infidelity, cheating, intimate touching, orgasm, kissing, drinking, depression, lying, panic attack.

Last chapter of this part will be posted next weekend.

I've worked very hard on this fic and am an actual person with feelings. Please keep that in mind before you decide to leave a review. Thanks.


	4. Making Plans and Moving On

A/N: Thanks so much for the kind reviews! After some not very nice ones, they were greatly appreciated. :D

Final chapter of Part 1, but this story is long from over...

As always, special thanks to Delucababe for the awesome beta job!

* * *

Chapter 4 - Making Plans and Moving On

Penny jerked awake a few minutes later with a groan. She had fallen asleep on her arm and the pain shooting through it and the hip she rested on made for a very unpleasant wake-up call. Thirty minutes and one serious pep talk later, Penny emerged from the bathroom feeling slightly better. All she had to do was not think about... things. She would be just fine.

Leonard was in the kitchen with a nice hot mug of coffee waiting for her. She tried to give him a smile, but her face suddenly felt stiff and she realized her lips were chapped.

Leonard looked her up and down, then scrunched up his face in pity.

"Okay, now don't get upset, but I called Bernadette to let your work know you were staying home sick today."

Penny sent him an exasperated look.

"Penny, I don't know if something happened last night or this morning, but you aren't yourself. You need to relax and get a grip on things."

"Leonard! I can't believe you did that! I'm fine..." she trailed off as he lifted an eyebrow and nodded at her feet.

She was wearing two different shoes. She looked down at the black pump on her right foot and the beige flat on her left and let out a slightly hysterical giggle. She looked back up at Leonard and sighed.

"I'm sorry, Leonard. I'm not sure what's wrong with me," she whispered, putting her head in her hands.

He set the coffee down and guided her to sit on the couch.

"I think I know what it is," he confided reluctantly.

Penny placed her hands in her lap and looked up at him warily.

"I think we may have made a mistake running off and getting married like that."

"What? What are you saying? You want a divorce?" Penny demanded jumping to her feet.

"No! No, that's not it at all. I love you, Penny. I want to be your husband. I just think it all happened too fast for you to wrap your head around. I mean, you should have had a bridal shower, your parents here, our friends... We didn't get any of that. Just a quick chapel wedding with strangers as witnesses followed by drinking and sex. And now we're back home, and we're holding on to this huge secret..."

Penny frowned but sat back down again as she contemplated his words.

"So, you think if we tell people we're married I'll feel better?" she asked after a moment.

"I think we need to celebrate our marriage with our friends. Plan a honeymoon. Maybe go look at some houses. We need to plan our future. That's what newlyweds are supposed to do," Leonard enthused.

Penny shook her head and crossed arms defensively. "I'm not good with plans, Leonard. I always screw them up."

Leonard smiled at her. "That's okay, Penny. There really aren't many people out there that don't screw up their plans. The point is to make them. We can change them later if we need to, but I feel like you aren't quite sure what you should be doing. I think it will help ground you if we make a plan."

Penny sighed and thought over his words. Maybe he was right.

"Okay, so what do we plan?" she asked timidly.

He raised a hand and ticked each item off with a finger as if he had a list prepared. "Well, I think we should have a dinner party this weekend to announce our marriage to our friends. Start looking at some nice vacation spots for a honeymoon and turn in time off requests at work. Maybe we could go visit your family in Nebraska then as well. My realtor has a couple of nice houses to show us that are almost exactly half-way in between the college and your office... things like that."

Penny dropped her eyes to the ground. "What about Sheldon?"

Leonard let out a heavy sigh, but when she looked up, he was smiling.

"Well, I hope things go well with him and Amy tonight so they can start planning their future. But even if they don't, it will be okay. I mean, Sheldon has been a fixture in our lives from the day we met. I doubt that will change much going forward."

"And, you don't mind?" she asked, her eyebrow rising in suspicion.

"I would have once, but, sometimes, I think we might need him as much as he needs us."

Penny was quiet for a long moment before getting to her feet. She turned and headed for her bedroom.

"Where are you going?" Leonard asked, sounding concerned.

"To change my shoes. Apparently, we have some houses to look at," she called and was surprised to find the easy smile she gave him was genuine.

* * *

When they finally returned to Leonard and Sheldon's apartment that evening, things had turned tense again. Penny was drained and feeling very small and unworthy of all the things Leonard had been doing for her all day. He was obviously perturbed Penny had not liked any of the four houses they had viewed and that she didn't want to take vacation time from work for the honeymoon until the holidays, almost six months away. Penny had warned him she was good at screwing up plans.

As the sun sunk lower in sky, Penny felt the pull of the liquor atop her fridge, anxious to let go of the dark thoughts that never seemed to leave her mind for long. Also, she was pretty sure Leonard would expect sex tonight and she wasn't sure she could go through with it without alcohol.

They ended up eating a frozen pizza and watching some sci-fi show Penny wasn't really paying attention to. She waited until he was deeply absorbed in the show before standing from the couch.

"I'm just gonna run and grab something to sleep in," she explained. He nodded, but didn't take his eyes off of the TV.

She downed three shots of vodka back to back before grabbing her pajamas. She hesitated at the door, her eyes drifting back to the half-empty bottle. Sighing, she hurried over and grabbed it before going back to Leonard's.

She walked into the kitchen and slid the bottle onto the top of their fridge next to Sheldon's cereal. When she was done, she looked over to see Leonard grinning at her.

"What?"

"It's like you actually live here now," he commented happily.

Penny smiled back, but couldn't help feeling a little sad the presence of her alcohol was the tell-tale sign she lived with Leonard.

Sheldon arrived then. He looked a little stunned, but remarkably calm.

"It's over. I failed," he told them stoically, and then went straight to his room.

* * *

Penny sipped her cocktail idly as everyone mingled and shared anecdotal stories of the week. The atmosphere was calm and relaxed despite the tense moment when Amy had arrived. However, she and Sheldon had been very civil, if a little cold. The group of friends were sure to keep the two apart as much as they could in the small apartment. Leonard would be making the announcement any moment now and Penny felt her stomach flutter violently. She was unsure if this was through nerves of actually telling people they were married, or excitement of the celebration to come.

Leonard called for everyone's attention and Penny gave him an encouraging smile.

"So, Penny and I decided to throw this party to celebrate some exciting news..."

"Oh my God, you're pregnant, aren't you?" Bernadette demanded, looking at Penny in exasperation.

Penny rolled her eyes and held up her drink, giving it a little shake for emphasis. Bernadette looked sheepish as she apologized to Leonard and asked him to continue.

"As I was saying... Last weekend, Penny and I were struggling over some wedding decisions and decided not to decide. As in, we went to Vegas and are now married!" Leonard finished with a wide smile.

The room went silent for a long moment. It was so long, that it began to get uncomfortable.

Howard was the one to break it. He had looked down as soon as he heard the news, but was now practically glaring up at the newlyweds.

"Really? For years, all of us have been right there with you though all the drama. We watched you come together, fall apart, and come together again... I think I speak for all of us when I say, that was probably the most selfish thing you could do, and you're both jerks," he accused before raising his drink in the air like a mockery of a toast.

Sheldon watched the whole thing from his spot on the couch, quiet but looking at Howard with a frown. He was the only one that had already known as he had been there when they made the decision.

Amy and Raj refused to look at anyone and Bernadette just glared in silent support of her husband's outburst.

Penny suddenly felt like she couldn't breathe, and quickly ran for the bathroom. Bernadette might be short, but she was fast, and she slipped inside the small room before Penny could shut the door.

The petite woman opened her mouth as if she was ready to give Penny an earful, but she noticed Penny was struggling to breathe and so she guided her to sit on the closed toilet.

"Lean over, and put your head between your knees," she ordered.

It took a minute, but soon breathing became easier. Bernadette perched on the side of the tub and started rubbing small circles on Penny's back.

"Leonard mentioned you had an anxiety attack last week," she commented. It wasn't a question so Penny didn't say anything.

"You shouldn't have done it. You shouldn't have married him like that, Penny."

"Leonard agreed," Penny answered simply.

"Of course he did. That man would do anything for you."

"I'm okay now. Just say what you came in here to say," Penny demanded softly. She knew she was being short with her friend but she was tired of all the bullshit and just wanted the evening to be over.

Bernadette looked unsure, but then shrugged. "Fine. I think you are the one who pressed for the Vegas wedding because that was the only way you were going to marry him. A real wedding would have given you too much time to back out and you know you would have."

"What do you mean?" Penny gaped at her. "Bernadette, you've been pushing me to marry Leonard for years! Everyone can't seem to shut up about how wonderful it is we are finally together, and now that we've done it, you all jump down our throats like eloping was our way of giving you the finger!"

"We didn't want this. Not like this."

Penny shook her head, desperately trying to hold back the tears. "But I did this so everyone would be happy!" she admitted weakly. Her eyes lifted pleadingly to meet Bernadette's. "Why can't you all just be happy?"

"Oh Penny, it doesn't matter if we're happy," Bernadette consoled gently. "You are the one who has to live this life, not us. You have do what makes you happy."

"You all have your science and TV shows and stuff. My friends are the only thing I have! How can I be happy if you all aren't happy?" she pleaded.

"You have to figure that out for yourself," Bernadette answered, pityingly.

When the two women returned the group was still solemn, though everyone, even Sheldon, had a drink in their hands.

Howard walked over and gave Penny an apologetic look.

"I'm sorry, Penny. Of course I'm happy you and Leonard are married. I just wish we could have been there. I wanted to be there for it."

Penny hugged him, still having trouble reconciling this man with the sleazy one she had first met.

Howard turned to the group as a whole. "To Penny and Leonard," he said and raised glass. Everyone toasted, and hesitant smiles were given. Penny still felt numb and downed her entire drink at once.

Howard cleared his throat to get everyone's attention again.

"Bernadette and I also have some big news... She has accepted a Vice President position for her pharmaceutical company!"

"Wow! That's great, Bernadette. I thought all the executive level positions were in New York," Penny said with a sinking feeling.

"They are, Penny. Howie has three different universities close to my new office that are head hunting him. Apparently, having an actual astronaut on staff adds to the prestige. We'll be moving in October," Bernadette said quietly.

All eyes went to Raj, who didn't appear to be at all surprised. "They told me first. I won't say there weren't tears and hysterical fits, but I've made my peace with it," he admitted shyly.

Leonard tilted his head and gazed at him suspiciously. "You're going with them aren't you?"

Raj gave them all a blinding smile and nodded. "Yes, but before that I'm going on a trip," he said and looked at Amy.

"Raj came by my office to check on me after... you know, my change of plans. We talked for a while and he offered to let me come with him to India for a few weeks to try and clear my head. Then we might do some traveling. There are so many places I'd like to visit. My life has been on h-hold for a few years, and I have a nice big savings account that I had intended to use to start a life with..." she broke off with a cough.

"What about Emily?" Leonard asked, breaking the awkward silence that had descended after Amy's revelation.

"We're meeting for coffee tomorrow. I'm going to end it," Raj answered with a determined nod of his head.

"Really, just like that?" Penny demanded. She didn't like Emily, but felt like all of her friends were slipping away.

"I've been trying to break up with her for a long time. Watching Amy go through this... It's given me the courage to do it. It's time I do what I want and not what I have to, to make someone like me."

All was quiet for a few minutes, and then Sheldon stood and looked at everyone silently. It looked as if he was dedicating the sight of each of his friends to memory. He saved Penny for last. She felt a stab of heartache when tears began to form in the corner of his eyes.

He quickly nodded his head and went to his room, slamming the door.

The party fell apart quickly after that and soon Penny and Leonard were alone cleaning up the living room and trying to pretend like they couldn't hear Sheldon's muffled sobbing.

Penny stopped what she was doing and walked over to Leonard, taking him by the hand.

"The first house we looked at, the one with the 2nd master suite that you thought was too big," she started, unsure how Leonard was going to react to what she was about to suggest. "If we take that house, Sheldon would have his own space." She hoped her implication was clear. She wasn't about to leave Sheldon alone.

He shut his eyes in brief irritation, but then nodded.

"If that will make you happy, Penny, I'll do it."

End

* * *

A/N: That's it for Part 1. Part 2 will start next weekend and pick up a year later. Thanks for reading this far, and hope you continue into the next part. Updates will still be once a week and Part 2 should have 4 chapters.


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